Life moves on. Or life moves away from you, I find. I was wondering this morning whether living in the past is a form of Vicarious Living. You know, forgetting how much life has changed, you have changed; pretending things have stayed the same!
I went running this morning, with Trim Apeldoorn. The last time I ran with them was when I was 20 or 21, so a while back… It brought back lots of memories, although there were changes as well. I always ran in the evening, now it was (early!) morning. Even the starting point has changed a little. The bucket used to be yellow, hanging off a tree. It’s amazing how these tiny details matter, and how they show up change.
It was -4 when I set off in the car, and I had to scrape the windscreen (I had to use a stirring thing from the kitchen, as there was no ice scraper in our car…mmmmm), and I wondered if I would make it in time. Having managed to get up in time, kitted out, and myself brave enough to actually go, I was thinking how annoyed I was going to be if I missed it… I made it in time, just! I went with the slowest group, the group I always went with as I prefer the interval type training they do, but when I was younger I would be running near the front. Now I was right at the back, wondering what happened to my lungs… With age they must have shrunk dramatically, that’s all I can say!
The forest was incredibly beautiful though, and I was quite tempted to stop and take pictures, but as I was slow enough already, I didn’t want to push it… Anyway, I managed to survive the hour, I think I gave my lungs the shock of their life, I’ve been coughing ever since getting back into my car…
It’s funny how change comes so unexpected. Of course, I knew I was really unfit, but to run with a group that you used to run with, through familiar woods, but to find yourself at the back, gasping like a drowning hippo… It’s a change that creeps up, for life is busy, and you forget that time passes. You live vicariously as your younger self, and you see yourself as you used to be. You see others as they used to be.
This week brought grief as well. My aunt died. She had been very ill for a while, and recently her kidneys just gave in. I remember the aunt from the huge house though. The aunt who had a hallway with dark red carpet that could swallow my parent’s house, but you weren’t allowed to run around like a looney, (Too many antiques and ornaments…!) which felt such a waste of the really, really thick carpet and endless space. I remember playing in the park with my cousin, getting muddy in our best clothes… and now the only mud we have to clean off is our kids’ muddy hands and faces… Somehow I got time warped there as well. My aunt has moved houses several times since then, my cousin has her own family. And now my aunt is gone, and reality comes knocking.
I just realised that I like Living Vicariously. I’m only 50 kilo, instead of 11 stone (Ha! Such a nice, natural sounding way to measure yourself… At least you could pretend that it’s any stone you fancy, rather than the set weight…which makes me stare at my scales in horror!) I like people to stay the way they always were, I definitely would like my fitness to stay the way it always was. Even carparks, buckets, and roads should stay the way they were. I really dislike change, I realised.
Of course, it shows in the falling leaves and the golden brown beech leaf carpet in the forest that nothing lives forever, only God. It shows that we are finite, mortal, limited. It shows we are created with eternity in our heart. Just like some leaves we still cling on though, pretending it’s not the end of autumn, and it’s not time to let go and join the other leaves, there is no such thing as change…Reality can be the fact that it’s -4, and not many leaves will cling on for much longer! Vicarious Living just gives you a chance to remember good times, good things. Bringing a smile to reality, even if it hurts. Like the incredible sunbeams lighting up the floating leaves.
